Grief Is Proof Of Love

What part of grief are you learning to meet gently?

Grief can make you feel like you’re failing at something you never volunteered for. When the tears rise up, or nothing rises up at all, the mind starts grading you: too emotional, not emotional enough, too attached, still stuck.  Those familiar thoughts offer a different frame, inspired by mindfulness teacher Sean Fargo: grief isn’t a problem to solve. It’s a natural expression of care, the heart’s response to meaningful change.

Reflect on Fargo’s experience at a retreat with Sabonfu Some', a renowned West African grief ritual healer, and how even a former monk can find grief “messy.” From that honesty, move into five simple mindfulness invitations you can use right now: name what’s here without judging it, give grief a little honest space, let it move the way it moves, support others with presence rather than fixing, and make room for resistance with gentle anchors that help your nervous system settle.

For anyone offering grief support to a friend or family member, learn about creating a safer, more sacred space instead of rushing toward advice or silver linings. Finally, a reading of Psalm 22 in Norman Fischer’s Zen-inspired translation, gives language to abandonment, longing, and the stubborn desire for connection when suffering feels near.

If this speaks to where you are in the grieving process, subscribe for new Friday releases, share the episode with someone who needs a softer way to breathe, and leave a review so more people can find this kind of grief care. What part of grief are you learning to meet gently?

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/mindful-grief/id1622236300?i=1000757095915

SPIRITUAL DIRECTION WHILE GRIEVING IS AVAILABLE :  candeelucas@soulplusgrace.com

ATTEND MY SUMMER WORKSHOP ON "SOULFUL LISTENING" THROUGH THE MARKEY CENTER AT SANTA CLARA UNIVERSITY VIA ZOOM.

https://events.scu.edu/markey-center/event/359741-soulful-listening-workshops-on-the-ministry-of

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Music and sound effects today by:   via Pixabay

Transcript

Welcome And Grief Ministry

Candee 0:53

Welcome to Solace: Soul+ Grief. I'm glad you're here. My name is Candee Lucas, aJ esuit trained spiritual director and chaplain. W hen we started this ministry nearly five years ago, we had intended to create a library of topics for those who are grieving. Both those in fresh grief and those who are well along their journey in grief. Remember, you're always welcome, our circle of healing, love, and support. Today I'm going to speak a little bit about the work of Sean Fargo. He has a Mindfulness Institute. Many of the courses he teaches are available online. He has a podcast called Mindful Grief on Apple. And he had a few thoughts recently after he attended a retreat with Sabon fu Some', a renowned West African grief ritual healer. Mr. Fargo is a former monk who's trying to be peaceful all the time, and he noted that it felt messy. He noted he would fight back tears during the work, judging himself for feeling too much emotion, or for feeling too attached to things. He had thoughts like, this is too much, this shouldn't still be here, or I should be handling this better. Or in the opposite, if I let this go, what does that say about my love? These are thoughts similar to the thoughts of many grieving people. And so he notes that he's come to trust more deeply over the years the fact that grief is not a problem to solve or a think to be judged as good or bad, right or wrong. Rather, it's a natural expression of care. It's what happens when something meaningful changes. And the work to be done, if we can call it that, is not to fix it, but to meet it gently. And so he starts with a few invitations Number one, name it without judging it or fixing it. Instead of thinking or saying, Why am I like this? Try, grief is here. That alone can soften the inner struggle. Number two, give it a little honest space. It doesn't have to be many perfect hours. It's not a performance that we have to be fully prepared for. Just a few quiet minutes when you're not distracting, numbing, or explaining it away. Let your nervous system catch up to the moment. Number three, let it move how it moves. It could be tears or tightness or resentment, sometimes confusion, or rage, or silence, or even moments of beauty, or gratitude. Remember, none of it is wrong. Grief doesn't move in a straight line and it doesn't need your approval to unfold. Number four. If you're supporting someone else, remember this. Most people don't need better advice. They need a safer, more sacred space. Less fixing, less rushing, less silver linings, but more presence, more permission, more quiet understanding. Sometimes the most healing thing you can offer is simply, I'm here, and I can put my hand on your back if that feels supportive. Number five, make room for resistance too. Sometimes we don't want to feel the grief. That's totally natural. Sometimes the most compassionate step isn't go deeper, but go gently. Feeling your feet, listening to sounds, holding a warm cup, small anchors can sometimes be enough. He notes that one of the things he didn't fully understand as a monk was that wisdom isn't just about seeing impermanence clearly. It's also about letting the heart respond honestly. Sometimes that looks like stillness or tears or both at the same time. If you're grieving right now, may you be a little more gentle with yourself and allow the natural energies to flow without deeming them too much to be good or bad, right or wrong. And if you're holding space for someone else, may you trust that your presence matters more than getting it right.

Psalm 22 For The Brokenhearted

Candee 8:15

(Mr. Fargo is a mindfulness consultant for Kaiser Permanente, Tesla, Ernst and Young, San Quentin and Solano Prisons, and the Spirit Rock Family Program, to name a few. There is a link to his Mindful Grief podcast in the show notes.) Today I would like to close with Psalm 22 as the Zen-inspired translation of the Psalms by Norman Fisher.

Candee 9:06

--My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why so far from my delivery, so empty in the anguish of my words? I call to you in the daytime, but you don't answer. All night long I plead restlessly, uselessly. I know your holiness, find it in the memorized praises, uttered by those who struggled with you through all the generations. These my forebears trusted you, and through their trusting you touched them, held and delivered them. They cried out to you and you met them face to face. Their confidence was strong, and they were not confounded. But I am not as they utterly alone I am cast out of the circle, a worm a living reproach, scorned and despised, even less than despised, unheard, unseen, unacknowledged, denied, and all who encounter me revile me with their cynical after, shaking their heads, parting their nattering lips mocking, let him throw himself at God for his deliverance, they say. Since that is who he trusts, let the Lord save him. And they are right, how not trust you, and what else to trust. You I entered on leaving the womb, you I drank at my mother's breast. I was cast upon you at birth, and even before birth I swam in you in my heart's darkness. Be not far from me now, when suffering is very near and there is no help, and I am beset all around by threatening powers, the bulls of Bashan gaping their dismal braying mouths, their ravenous roaring lion mouths. I am poured out like water, my bones joints are snapped like twigs. My heart melts like wax, flooding my bowels with searing viscid emotion. My strength is dried up like a pot sherd. My tongue cleaves woolly to the roof of my mouth, and I feel my body dissolving unto death's dust. For I'm hounded by my isolation, am cast off and encircled by the assembly of the violent, who like vicious dogs snap at my hands and feet. I count the bones of my naked body as the mongrels shift and stare and circle. They divide my clothes among themselves, casting lots for them. So now in this very place I call on you. There is no one left. Do not be far from me. Be the center of the center of the circle. Be the strength of that center. The power of the absence that is the center. Deliver my life from killing sharpnesses. Deliver my soul from feverish dogs. Save me from the lion mouth. Answer me with the voice of the ram's horn, and I will seek and form and repeat your name among my kinsmen. In the midst of everyone I will compose praises with my lips, and those who enter your awesomeness through my words will also praise. All the seed of Jacob will glorify you and live in awe of you. All those who question and struggle will dawn with your light, for they will know you have not scorned the poor and despised, nor recoil disgusted from their faces. From them your spark has never been hidden. And when they cried out in their misery, you heard and answered and ennobled them. And it is the astonishment of this that I will praise in the great assembly, making deep vows in the presence of those who know your heart. Know that in you the meek eat and are satisfied, and all who seek and struggle find the tongue to praise, saying to you, May your heart live forever, may all the ends of the earth remember and return to you, and all the families of all the nations bow before you for all that is your domain. Your flame kindles all the lives and breath, and you are with the motive force of all activity. The yearning of the grasses, the lovers ardor, and they will rise up, live, and eat the fat of the earth will bow before you. Before you will bow all those who lie down, find peace and enter the dust. For none can keep alive by his own power. You alone light the soul. Distant ages to come shall serve you, shall be related to you in future times. Those people not yet born will sing of your uprightness, your evenness, your brightness to a people not yet born that is still yet to come. That this is how you are.

Candee 15:56

That concludes another episode. A new one drops every Friday morning. I'm Candee Lucas, your host. Travel with God near you this week. Be gentle to yourselves and others. Vaya con Dios.