Showing Up For Grief

A simple question can close a door—or open a life. After Lynn’s husband, Jim, died without warning, I thought giving space was kindness. I watched her carry herself with strength, and I told myself she’d ask if she needed me. What I missed were the quieter signs: a new sadness behind her eyes.

If you’re walking with someone widowed or grieving—whether it’s been weeks or years—this conversation gives you language, courage, and a way back to presence. Listen for practical grief support, faith-rooted encouragement, and a reminder that love is in the returning: ask, listen, remember, and come back again. 

The conversation moves from regret to a clear set of tools anyone can use to support a widowed loved one with care.

• sudden loss and the shock that follows
• giving space versus showing up with intention
• how outward steadiness can hide deep pain
• faith as a model for consistent friendship
• apologizing without excuses and making amends
• practical, specific questions that invite truth
• concrete offers of help and time-bound check-ins
• honoring memories and repeated storytelling
• committing to proactive, gentle outreach

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Purpose
• 1:10 Lynn’s Sudden Loss
• 3:15 Giving Space Versus Showing Up
• 5:00 The Comfort Of A Fellow Widow
• 6:40 Mistaking Strength For Healing
• 8:20 Faith, Friendship, And Accountability
• 10:15 Regret And A Quiet Distance
• 12:20 A Direct Apology To Lynn

Transcript

Candee: 0:50

Welcome to Solace: Soul+ Grief. I'm glad you're here. My name is Candee Lucas. I'm a grief chaplain and spiritual director. Remember, you're always welcome in our circle of healing, love, and support.

Candee: 1:10

Today I want to talk about a dear friend of mine who was widowed one year ago in November of 2024. The death of her husband was wholly unanticipated. And I want to give you the public story of her journey as well as my reaction. Because I feel I have failed to show up for her in a meaningful way. If you're supporting a widowed person, no matter how long it's been since they lost their spouse, or if you were recently widowed yourself, you will recognize many of the feelings and spaces and words that happened here between me and my friend Lynne.

Candee: 2:15

As I said, Lynne was widowed last November, shortly after she and I had returned from Phoenix, Arizona, where we served as poll chaplains during the elections. Lynne's husband, Jim, picked us up at the airport and I rode in the front seat as he drove us. As we stopped at their house before she took me on to my house, Lynne got out of the car and Jim commented on how tired she looked. She had recently retired from her job at Santa Clara University and was dealing with new status, new time frames, new commitments. But I dare say nothing had prepared her for what was to come next. He took ill shortly after we returned from that trip and was hospitalized, and as many men had an aversion to doctors that kept him from following up on symptoms other people might have. Soon he was hospitalized, and the outlook was not very good. After a few days, he passed away, and her friends, me included, tried to be available to help out. Initially, it seemed from the outside that she wanted to grieve privately. And so I, in particular, gave her space to do that.

Candee: 4:14

Soon she was joined by an old friend who had recently lost her husband, and the two of them determined to spend the holidays together as they marched through this first season of grief. Every time I saw her, she seemed to be doing so well with her friend by her side that it never occurred to me to ask past-- How are you doing? I came to think of that question as not a real one but a toss-off, and I regret that. For in looking back, I neither gave her time nor opportunity to tell me how she was really doing. I took advantage of our friendship by assuming she would reach out to me if she needed me for some specific grief support. Now, as you know, I fancy myself an expert, somewhat of an expert on grief and grief support. But having failed so badly at grieving my own father's death and the other things that happened to me in 2024, I can make really good excuses for why I was not as available to her as I would have liked to have been.

Candee: 5:46

That's not an excuse. Because as we all know, God shows up every single day, whether we need Him or not, whether we know he's there or not, whether we express gratitude or need or want, He shows up. And that's what real friends do too. I don't think I did very well at the showing up, depending mostly upon her old friend to do the heavy lifting of grief support. On the outside, it looked like she was doing fine, and I think on some levels she was. They had a little dog that they admired and admired them back. They cooked together and had a general support that was admirable from the outside. And I didn't begin to sense until after her friend went back to her home, three states away, that there was a new sadness behind her eyes. But I didn't want to draw attention to it. I didn't want to embarrass her. So I observed it and let it go. I did not attend to it. I did not ask her about it. I was so wound up in my own life at the time that I didn't pause and see where a friend might have needed me.

Candee: 7:27

We continued to see each other in the normal way, ways we had before Jim had died. And there was always something quietly unsaid between us. Lynne, I'm very sorry I didn't show up for you in a very supportive way. I'm very sorry I waited for you to reach out. I should have done the reaching out. I'm also very sorry that I took so many opportunities to read your face, to listen to your words, to try to detect something when I could have just asked. We are certainly good enough friends for me to do that. And I regret so very much not doing that. I regret this entire last year that has kept me in my own bubble, which in turn kept me separated and inattentive to your journey. I know it has not been easy. You made some changes in your house and yard that you'd always wanted to make but felt constrained to, that seemed so invigorating for you.

Candee: 9:10

And again I ignored any signs or traces of sadness, and I truly, truly feel neglectful for that, and I am sorry, my heart is very sorry. My heart is broken for yours. Not in the way yours is broken, not nearly, but because yours is broken, mine is a little too. So I promise to do better in the coming years. I promise to be available in every way that I can. Because I know so many people in your shoes who've been grieving for years and years and years, who never get tired of talking about their loved one, who want to tell the story over and over of their relationship and their death and what it means to them.

Candee: 10:19

I'm a true believer that people need to tell these stories. And so the next time you want to tell yours, please call on me. My heart loves your heart and your soul, and it will always be available to you. That concludes this episode. I'm Candee Lucas. Remember, be gentle with yourselves. Travel with God always at your side. Vaya con Dios.

Candee: 11:12

After I shared this episode with my friend Lynne, she gave me the suggestion that rather than ask the question, How are you doing? Let's ask other more specific questions. So I looked in my grief materials, and sure enough, I found the following questions to ask.

Candee: 11:34

Good questions to ask a loved one who is grieving. Number one, would it be okay if I, for example, brought over a meal, picked up your laundry, maybe sat for your child or animal so you can rest? Proposing a concrete help. Number two, what are you feeling right now? And remember, any and all emotions are valid. Number three, what do you need right now? Number four, do you want me to ask you about your experience with grief when we are spending time together? Or would you rather bring it up on your own when you feel like it? Number five, are there particular times, experiences, or days that are harder for you? Is it okay if I reach out to you on those days? Number six, what was your loved one like? Are there any memories you want to share with me? Seven, what is your favorite memory of your loved one if you feel comfortable sharing it? Number eight, what do you do or experience now that makes you remember your loved one or makes you feel closer to them? Are there any ways I can help you do that or things we can do together? Number nine, what feels special or meaningful about the relationship you had with your loved one? And number 10, I love you and I want to be here for you. I know I won't be able to know how you're doing in every moment. But will you please send me a text when we aren't planning on talking, but you're having a challenging grief day. If that doesn't work for you, I totally understand. We can think of another way to check in. More useful questions than just ---"are you doing okay? "

Candee: 13:43

Thanks for the input, Lynne.